Stonewalling—often called the silent treatment—happens when one person refuses to communicate with another, either by physically withdrawing from a conversation or emotionally distancing themselves. In many cases, stonewalling involves dismissing, belittling, or accusing the other person of overreacting, while insisting there’s no issue. This form of emotional neglect can be deeply harmful and, when deliberate, is regarded as a form of domestic abuse.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a behaviour in which an individual stops any meaningful communication with their partner or ex-partner. It can occur in two main ways:

1. Unintentional Stonewalling

   • A learned coping mechanism: Some people have grown up in environments where discussing sensitive or emotional matters was discouraged or met negatively. Consequently, they shut down or withdraw from conversations to avoid conflict.
   • An attempt to de-escalate: By ending the conversation abruptly, a person might hope to halt a disagreement before it escalates.

2. Intentional Stonewalling

   • A deliberate form of control: Here, the stonewaller withdraws communication or dismisses their partner with the aim of manipulation or punishment.
   • Power and dominance: The abuser uses silence or ridicule to undermine the other person, often making them feel worthless or “in the wrong.”

In both scenarios, communication stalls, creating confusion, frustration, and emotional strain for the non-stonewalling partner.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

Within a marriage or romantic partnership, stonewalling can cut off avenues for resolving problems or discussing plans, effectively blocking constructive dialogue. Common motivations include:

• Retaliation: Used as a punishment if one partner feels the other has wronged them.
• Habitual Avoidance: Some individuals simply never learned how to engage in challenging conversations and resort to silence as a default response.
• Deliberate Manipulation: Withholding communication to gain power or instil self-doubt in the other person.

Regardless of the reason, stonewalling can cause serious damage, leading to a breakdown of trust and an imbalance of power in the relationship.

Intentional vs. Unintentional Stonewalling

Couples sometimes slip into stonewalling as they lose the habit of discussing emotions. If one person is unsure of their feelings, they may decide not to speak at all—unintentional stonewalling. However, there are also cases where it’s a calculated decision. For example:

• Unintentional: Uncertainty about how to express emotions can lead to one partner consistently “shutting down” rather than resolving issues.
• Intentional: A person might use silence to humiliate or bully the other into compliance, retaining a sense of control or emotional superiority.

How to Deal with Stonewalling

1. Open Communication

   • If both partners are willing, try to talk openly about why stonewalling happens and how it makes each other feel.
   • When starting these discussions, use “I” statements (“I feel…”) rather than “you” statements to reduce defensiveness.

2. Seek Professional Help

   • Mediation or Counselling: In cases of persistent or severe stonewalling, a mediator or therapist can provide neutral ground to help you communicate effectively.
   • Individual Counselling: Each partner may benefit from individual therapy to develop healthier communication strategies.

3. Recognise Emotional Abuse

   • If you suspect intentional stonewalling is part of a larger pattern of domestic abuse—physical, financial, or emotional—consider contacting a specialist domestic abuse service or a family solicitor for advice.

Is Stonewalling a Form of Gaslighting?

Yes. Many view stonewalling as a type of gaslighting because it often leads the victim to question their own emotions and perceptions. When confronted, the stonewaller may deny they’re doing anything wrong or dismiss the conversation entirely, making the victim feel as though they are the problem.

Seek Help and Know Your Rights

• Domestic Abuse Helplines: If you feel unsafe or believe you are experiencing emotional abuse, organisations like Women’s Aid or the National Domestic Violence Helpline can offer confidential advice and support.
• Emergency Services: In immediate danger, call 999.
• Professional Guidance: A family law solicitor can advise on legal steps if stonewalling forms part of a broader abuse pattern, including the possibility of injunctions such as Non-Molestation Orders.

Contact HM & Co. Solicitors

For expert advice on domestic abuse, relationship breakdowns, or other family law issues, we at HM & Co. Solicitors are here to help.

• Address: 186 Lower Road, Surrey Quays, London SE16 2UN
• Telephone: 02071128180
• Email: info@hmsolicitorsltd.com

We understand that stonewalling and other forms of emotional abuse can be deeply distressing. Our dedicated team can provide empathetic and confidential support, guiding you towards the best legal and practical solutions for your unique situation.